What has set me off on this rant, you ask? Well last week I was in our nation's great capital when a panhandling scumbag with his tracksuit bottoms tucked into his socks, aged about 12 with already a small suburban rainforest on his upper lip asked me to purchase cigarettes for him. This little chappie looked like a 5'2" version of that charming chap who calls himself "The Streets" and had a mouthful of yellowing stumps that many in the dental profession could not classify as teeth.
I struck him with my pimp hand, gave him a right going over for polluting my aura, and left him bleeding in a faeces-stained alley to await the paedophiles who crawl the inner city at night looking for poontang. The last time such a ruffian will stain my reputation by making eye contact; no doubt.
The only solution, the final one if you will, is to create some sort of institution where the young can be kept during the daylight hours. Attendance shall be made compulsory, and the wardens will have almost total control over the lives of their subjects. Parents can opt for more upmarket borstals where inmates can be taught valuable life skills, or the poor can send their seed to state-sponsored institutions which can also teach them something to keep them busy when they get out aged 18, i suppose. I shall table this as a motion at the very next Dáil session, I believe that this shall be remembered as my great contribution to Ireland's justice system. Within weeks of the introduction of my new laws, I think we shall find that the crime rate will halve! Oh goodness me I am a genius.